I've been struggling with whether or not I wanted to post anything this personal, but decided I better write how I'm feeling in this moment for my own memory. This post will most likely be a long one, just a warning- you can leave now if you wish.
On May 26th I lost a very important person in my life; my grandma, or more appropriately named my Nana, passed away at age 66. Saying and hearing those words don't sting as much as they used to, maybe I'm still numb from it all, or I haven't fully accepted it. I'm trying really hard to come to terms with everything, but when someone so influential and important is suddenly gone trying to take a firm grasp on reality is harder than it usually is. I've never lost anyone close to me before so experiencing death and going through these bizarre waves of emotions is uncharted territory for me.
 |
| General Conference April 2010 |
Nana had ovarian cancer, among many other health issues, and valiantly fought it for years and years. I was ignorant to how sick she really was; she never complained about her health problems, she never let on how sick she really was. I'm the biggest baby when I get the flu, I can't even imagine what she must have felt like going through countless chemotherapy treatments, dialysis three times a week, and being poked and prodded by needles all day long. She truly was a fighter. She always told me that she was going to beat this sickness, and I believed her.
It's interesting how Heavenly Father blesses our lives on a daily basis, putting people and events so perfectly placed, making it impossible to miss His hand at work. The last post I wrote was about McKenna's birthday weekend she spent with us in Rexburg. The entire Saturday she was here it was a gloomy, rainy, horribly cold day. We were in Idaho Falls trying to figure out what to do when my mom called. She informed us that Nana old had a few more hours, stunned and completely shocked I asked if I could talk to her. The nurses obliged and my mom held her phone up to Nana's ear. It was a short conversation, probably lasting a minute at most, but those last moments we shared with Nana are one's that I won't ever forget.
We decided that it would be best to go walk around the Idaho Falls temple grounds. As we walked the rain suddenly stopped, and a peace and beauty filled my heart. A feeling that I've only ever felt inside the temple; it was truly beautiful and so sacred. We later learned that during those moments we spent walking around the temple was when Nana had passed away. How grateful I was to be able to spend it with my sister on the grounds of the temple.
Pondering life and death has been something that has consumed my thoughts as of late, trying to figure out what I want to get out of my short journey here on earth. I don't want to live a life of regret or look back on my life when I'm old and think I didn't accomplish anything substantial. Most of the weekend spent with my family for Nana's funeral was filled with tears, obviously, but we also spent time talking about Nana's life and the impact she had on each of us. Looking at Nana's life I saw how completely full bodied her mortal experience was, how she truly never let any moment pass her by. She lived a carefree and adventurous life- one that was filled with laughter, passion, a love for the gospel, a desire to learn, a reverent gratitude to her Heavenly Father for the abundance she was given. Her attitude towards life was always positive, this is something I wish to emulate in my own life.
 |
| Photo Bombed by Nana! |
{Comical side note}
It wouldn't be a family gathering without something going insanely wrong, even if it's at a funeral. My mom had the idea that all the grand kids sing A Child's Prayer during the funeral service. We all agreed, because 1) the song is great 2) everyone knows it, we've sung it since Primary and 3) It would add a nice personal touch. Oh boy, oh boy were we ever so wrong! We only got to practice for a total of maybe 2 1/2 hours and we quickly remembered that our family is not, in any way, shape, or form musically talented. For whatever reason, we still went ahead with the song- recruiting my mom and my Aunt Amy for backup. Terrible, terribly, terrible. We completely butchered the song, and horrified all that attended the funeral. It was hilarious in a weird and twisted kind of way. I'm sure Nana was laughing that one up. At least we tried, right?
 |
| Mesa Temple lights. Christmas 2008 |
I was given the opportunity to speak at Nana's funeral, I'll just post my talk because I think that does a lot better job of explaining how I feel.
Hi, my name is Laurin Leiser, I am Lana’s oldest grandchild
and appropriately named her “number 1” (sorry to all the other grandkids, I had
you beat from day one). I love that every
single one of us had a unique and special relationship with our Nana, one that
couldn’t be compared to anyone else’s; I cherished knowing that I had a bond
that no one else had or could have with her.
I always felt so special around Nana, there could be a million other
people around us, but one look from her and I was on the floor laughing because
I knew exactly what she was thinking.
Like I said, my Nana and I had a very special connection from the
beginning of my life. Among being her
“number 1” I was also named her “wild thing” and much like her, I had my own
way of doing things and a unique way of getting where I wanted to go in life. I attribute much of my free spirited nature
to her loving and outgoing personality.
All of my memories of my Nana are fond ones that are filled
with copious amounts of laughter and joy; there wasn’t ever a dull moment when
Nana was around, I’m sure we can all attest to that! Nana wasn’t your typical grandma; she refused
to be boring or “grandma” like in any sort of way. I remember during my freshman year of high
school Nana came out to watch my sister and I while my parents were out of
town. Homecoming was the weekend she was
there with us and I needed to find the perfect
dress. Most would think taking your grandma
dress shopping would equal humiliation and being shunned from any sort of
social clique, but I knew going with her would be quite the contrary. She
bought me a black halter top dress; definitely not mom approved! I thought I had the coolest grandma ever; she
made me feel like the most special and most beautiful girl in the world.
Growing up I was quite unruly, giving my parent’s fits was
just another day in the life for me. I
would always call Nana and spend hours on the phone with her so upset about how
“unfair” my parents were for grounding me, yet again. She would always help me see clearer why my
parents reacted the way they did and would always, very gently, tell me to get
my act together. I am so grateful for
her advice and support and for constantly being my cheer leader when I felt
everyone else had given up on me. Nana
had an amazing ability to make anyone feel like their worth was far greater
than they could ever imagine.
When I turned eight and got baptized I was lucky enough to
have Nana as one of the speakers at my baptism.
She created a visual aid and on it was a road map. She told me that this was my personal road
map and how there were necessary stops on it that I must take. She talked about my pre-earth life and how
excited I was to come to earth and gain a body.
She told me that there would be bumps in the road along the way, but she
knew I would make it through just fine.
On this road map there were designated “rest stops”, the first one being
my baptism. The second was to be sealed
in the temple. The third was to live a
righteous and virtuous life. 14 years
ago marriage and going through the temple seemed like such a far off “rest
stop”, but little did I know it would come faster than I thought it would. I feel extremely fortunate that Nana was able
to attend both my baptism and my sealing ceremony. How special it was to have her there with me
in the temple 8 months ago on my wedding day.
Upon hearing about her passing my thoughts were instantly
taken back to my baptism day. I pictured
myself sitting in my little white dress on the front row attentively listening to Nana
speak on my life here on this earth and how she told me if I ever get lost or
take a wrong turn, that I have so my resources to help guide me back to the
correct path. She told me that she would
always be there to help me along the way if needed. I couldn’t ever imagine the day where I
couldn’t go to her for advice or a listening ear. I feel as if I have only covered an inch on my
road map and have recently wondered how could I possibly continue on my journey
without her?
I realized that she left with me and even more detailed road
map. One that is worn with use, covered
in highlighter markings, and has alternate routes suggested for my
comfort. This road map is the very one
she travelled and navigated through her life with. She taught me to live and enjoy life to the
fullest, to always make time to laugh, even when it might not be the most
appropriate to, and to love unconditionally.
I don’t understand why she was taken from us so soon, but I
do know that she is much happier and in a beautiful, wonderful place. I am eternally grateful for the blessings of
the gospel and the healing powers of the Atonement. We are so fortunate to have the knowledge we
have and the comfort and peace it brings into our hearts. I know that Nana was welcomed into spirit
paradise with loving and open arms and how excited she must have been to see
her loved ones that she so missed. I
look forward to the day when I will be reunited with her and back in her loving
arms laughing and reminiscing on all the good times we shared and will continue
to share together.
