What I Wish

I had a really great conversation with my mom a few weeks back about how overwhelming it is to be a new mom. I feel, no amount of reading or "studying" can prepare a woman for the crazy changes that happen the second your precious baby is born. Once a baby is born, so is a mother. I didn't realize that it was going to take an insane amount of patience and learning on my end to figure this whole thing out. Nothing could have prepared me for this journey, maybe that's how God intended it to be, we as women, have to trust ourselves and more importantly trust in Him to know that we can do this. I've learned that there is a lot of faith involved with parenting, but isn't that the case with all of life's biggest responsibilities?

Looking back on these past six months I can see that I was a late bloomer with this whole motherhood thing. Perhaps, I am more normal than I'm giving myself credit for, maybe there are others that have felt the way I do, or I'm just completely backwards and behind on the times of being a mother. Regardless of where I fall on this learning curve, I'll admit that I had a really, really hard time. 

I've seen dozens of friends have babies and recount how blissful every second is and how wonderful mommy life is. I see these pictures with the cute babies with the adorable outfits and the perfectly placed bows and it really does look picture perfect. When my new mommy life wasn't measuring up to what I thought it would, I started to panic. What about the mountains of laundry strewn about the house, the petty arguments I am now having with my husband, the complete and utter confusion when you've done everything you know how to do and your baby is still crying? What about those moments? There isn't an Instagram filter for that. No one sees that or talks about that stuff, maybe I'll regret this late night post in the morning, but I wish I would have had someone tell me that this was normal. That everything I was and have been feeling is what everyone has felt. Why didn't anyone tell me it will all be okay? Are we all too scared to break down this perfect mommy facade in fear that someone else has it more together than we do? 

 I remember back when I was pregnant having a conversation with my dear friend, Mette, about motherhood. She had recently just had her sweet baby girl and I was picking her brain trying, once again, to prepare myself for what my future would soon be. I can vividly remember her telling me that being a mom was hard, she loved it but it was hard. I felt as if someone had stabbed straight through my heart when she said that to me. No one had ever told me this mommy business was that hard, but I can remember hearing the conviction in her voice when she said how much she loved it. I remember thinking for months about that conversation and wondering what could be so hard. It made me sad to think that the so called, "best job in the world" would be difficult, how naive of me. I pictured life to be like all the pictures and gushy blog posts I've read. Cue the painfully rude awakening. 

Like I said earlier, I was a late bloomer to figuring all this stuff out. There were days I would hold my precious baby and just cry, wondering what on earth have I done? I would think that I can't possibly go another sleepless night or another day without finally putting those dishes in the sink away. I kept thinking about myself and how much easier pregnant life was compared to this. Ultimately, I was just being selfish and had no idea what an incredibly huge sacrifice this new title of mine was.

Once I came to terms with my new role, I was better able to navigate through all the new challenges that were now in my midst. Once you have a baby, as everyone will tell you, life as you once knew it is  over. The more I have thought about this, the more I have realized that even though my life before baby is over, I have now embarked on a brand new and even more fulfilling life than I ever thought possible. I might night be able to sleep in, or go to a Friday night movie with my husband on a whim anymore, but I am able to make a precious little girl smile and laugh everyday. I am able to feel joy and happiness I haven't ever thought possible. I am able to stay home and care for my beautiful daughter. I am able to feel fulfilled in my role as a wife and mother and that is something a day of shopping or a netflix marathon couldn't do.

Life as a mom is hard. It's the hardest, most stressful job I've ever had, but it is also the best, most rewarding, humbling, and beautiful opportunity I've ever been given. I wouldn't trade it for the world.

Kaymin 5 months

My sweet, sweet girl your laughter and smiles never get old, you light up my life in a way I didn't know was possible. I feel like overnight she has grown up. When I hold her in my arms to feed her, I can't hold her for long without the boppy or an arm rest since she's so big. My heart could burst it's filled with so much love. I feel like we really know each other now. She's my little buddy and fills each and everyday with laughter and happiness and the occasional meltdown ;)

At 5 months...

You're still a great sleeper! 10-12 hours with the occasional wake up at 3:00am. 

You don't like anyone holding you or getting too close besides mom and dad.

You grab items off the shelf at the store

You throw your toys out of the stroller all.the.time. We've almost lost Sophie the (expensive) giraffe one too many times. She has two Sophie's too. One from Gamma and the other I bought. That gets stressful keeping track of those!

You love Nollie and want to pet and hold her every chance you get

You've finally masted rolling over!! You've been working hard to get it and when you did you were so proud! 

We've eaten avocado, green beans,

And sweet potato. Along with a variety of other tastey food you've snatched up on accident. 

Mom is still exclusively pumping breast milk for you. Dad thinks I am addicted, but I just want the best for you. 

You love your jumper and will go crazy in it every chance you get.

When laying on your back you love to scoot backwards.

You still refuse to nap.

And you are cuter and sweeter than ever!

Kaymin: 4 months

My squishy little baby is growing up so fast and as much as I love all the new things she's experiencing, I can't help but ache for my tiny newborn.

At four months you...

Love getting attention from strangers when we're out running errands. 

Have the most defined and pretty eyebrows! They compliment your big blue eyes perfectly.

Love playing with toys and chewing on everything. 

You're smiley and giggly (almost) all the time. 

You're still sleeping like a champ! 10-12 hours straight with the occasional wake up around 3:30-4:00. As hard as some of our days are without a nap, I can't complain too much.

You hate your car seat and will cry at the sight of it. Sigh...

You grab and pull my hair, necklaces, shirt, and most recently my food! 

You're obsessed with food. We gave you rice cereal on 8-20-14 but you preferred avaocado instead. Yum! 

You think gamma's doggies are hilarious. They aren't too fond of you. 

You rolled for the first time on gamma's counter when we were getting ready for your bath! It happened 8-10-14 and you so incredibly proud of yourself. You rolled tummy to back, and have only done so once more since ha. 

You've started this crazy scream/shrill whenever you get exited or just want attention. You love doing it in public, of course. 

You love the pool and swimming with gamma and grandpa. Ever since you took your first dip with grandpa mark you've been kicking and splashing in your bathtub. 

You aboalutely love looking at yourself in the mirror. Anytime you're fussy or crying I can take you to a mirror and you calm right down. Gamma's bug mirror has all kinds of grubby finger prints on it from you. 

You love taking catnaps with dad. I think he loves them more though.

You are starting to recognize when we call you by name, except we have so many nicknames for you I think you get confused. We love calling you: Kbug, muffin, K-money (I have no idea where that one came from).

Hi, do you remember me?

Hi, my name is Laurin Leiser I am a wife, a mom, and I used to work at Disney World. I feel awkward and weird about my blog, it kind of has that feeling I would get on the first day of school when the teacher would waste time and have EVERYONE stand up and say their name and an interesting fact about themselves. My go to was that I used to work at Disney. I thought it was so cool because not a lot of people can say that and it made me stand out…? Who knows. I've made a lot of changes around here and I am absolutely loving the new design. A big thank you to Judith Kester for putting up with my constant emails and the countless times I've changed my mind. You should stop by and check out her adorable blog.

I've been thinking a lot about what direction I want to take my blog and the one thought that kept popping into my mind was how I wanted it to be real. I, like so many other girls, follow blogs that are filled with stylish clothing, designer handbags, and outrageous homes. That might be their reality but it isn't mine, and I know it isn't the reality for a lot of young women my age and sometimes that is a hard pill to swallow. Of course I want all those fabulous valentino heals and the perfectly tousled hair, oh and the photographer that follows them around, but I don't and that's okay. I want to document my life how I see it; somedays {almost} everything goes as planned and other days I am in sweats covered in spit up trying to soothe a unconsolable baby who isn't happy being held or set down. This is my reality and as hard as some days are I have come to love this new life I am living. I am in no way perfect at being a mom, but I love my daughter and I love being a mom and a wife.

Honestly, I've been a little lost and have struggled with who I am now that I am a mom. Even if no one looks at this blog, I think this will give me an outlet to figure out my new, crazy life and hopefully feel a little more like myself. Hopefully.

Here's to new beginnings and new adventures. Stay a while and take part in a little piece of my crazy world.