What I Wish

I had a really great conversation with my mom a few weeks back about how overwhelming it is to be a new mom. I feel, no amount of reading or "studying" can prepare a woman for the crazy changes that happen the second your precious baby is born. Once a baby is born, so is a mother. I didn't realize that it was going to take an insane amount of patience and learning on my end to figure this whole thing out. Nothing could have prepared me for this journey, maybe that's how God intended it to be, we as women, have to trust ourselves and more importantly trust in Him to know that we can do this. I've learned that there is a lot of faith involved with parenting, but isn't that the case with all of life's biggest responsibilities?

Looking back on these past six months I can see that I was a late bloomer with this whole motherhood thing. Perhaps, I am more normal than I'm giving myself credit for, maybe there are others that have felt the way I do, or I'm just completely backwards and behind on the times of being a mother. Regardless of where I fall on this learning curve, I'll admit that I had a really, really hard time. 

I've seen dozens of friends have babies and recount how blissful every second is and how wonderful mommy life is. I see these pictures with the cute babies with the adorable outfits and the perfectly placed bows and it really does look picture perfect. When my new mommy life wasn't measuring up to what I thought it would, I started to panic. What about the mountains of laundry strewn about the house, the petty arguments I am now having with my husband, the complete and utter confusion when you've done everything you know how to do and your baby is still crying? What about those moments? There isn't an Instagram filter for that. No one sees that or talks about that stuff, maybe I'll regret this late night post in the morning, but I wish I would have had someone tell me that this was normal. That everything I was and have been feeling is what everyone has felt. Why didn't anyone tell me it will all be okay? Are we all too scared to break down this perfect mommy facade in fear that someone else has it more together than we do? 

 I remember back when I was pregnant having a conversation with my dear friend, Mette, about motherhood. She had recently just had her sweet baby girl and I was picking her brain trying, once again, to prepare myself for what my future would soon be. I can vividly remember her telling me that being a mom was hard, she loved it but it was hard. I felt as if someone had stabbed straight through my heart when she said that to me. No one had ever told me this mommy business was that hard, but I can remember hearing the conviction in her voice when she said how much she loved it. I remember thinking for months about that conversation and wondering what could be so hard. It made me sad to think that the so called, "best job in the world" would be difficult, how naive of me. I pictured life to be like all the pictures and gushy blog posts I've read. Cue the painfully rude awakening. 

Like I said earlier, I was a late bloomer to figuring all this stuff out. There were days I would hold my precious baby and just cry, wondering what on earth have I done? I would think that I can't possibly go another sleepless night or another day without finally putting those dishes in the sink away. I kept thinking about myself and how much easier pregnant life was compared to this. Ultimately, I was just being selfish and had no idea what an incredibly huge sacrifice this new title of mine was.

Once I came to terms with my new role, I was better able to navigate through all the new challenges that were now in my midst. Once you have a baby, as everyone will tell you, life as you once knew it is  over. The more I have thought about this, the more I have realized that even though my life before baby is over, I have now embarked on a brand new and even more fulfilling life than I ever thought possible. I might night be able to sleep in, or go to a Friday night movie with my husband on a whim anymore, but I am able to make a precious little girl smile and laugh everyday. I am able to feel joy and happiness I haven't ever thought possible. I am able to stay home and care for my beautiful daughter. I am able to feel fulfilled in my role as a wife and mother and that is something a day of shopping or a netflix marathon couldn't do.

Life as a mom is hard. It's the hardest, most stressful job I've ever had, but it is also the best, most rewarding, humbling, and beautiful opportunity I've ever been given. I wouldn't trade it for the world.